Monday, November 21, 2011
I'm going to Kansas City
I accepted my Teach for America offer. It was a bit of an impulse decision, as I made it 10 minutes before I had to leave for class this morning. But according to Stephen Fry, you make better decisions under pressure or when you're hurrying or have to pee or something, because you're snap decisions reveal what your instincts are really telling you to do. Or something. Whatever. I'm moving to Kansas City.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Moral dilemma
So last Tuesday I found out I got accepted by Teach for America, teaching elementary school in Kansas City. I have no idea if I'm going to accept or not. Honestly the whole thing is a surprise, because I didn't think I would be accepted. I feel as though I should do it, because I like teaching and I know it's an excellent opportunity to actually help students who need it the most, but I'm not sure if I really want to, because it's an insane amount of work and stress, and I've been stressed out for the better part of four years, so do I really want to be stretched even thinner for another two years? At the same time, I feel like I should do it because I feel guilty about my own privilege (going to private schools most of my life), like I'm under some sort of obligation to give back. But I've also been reading criticism of TFA as a program, and I feel like I would feel even worse if I did it for two years and then left, contributing to the instability my would-be students already experience. I also want to live abroad teaching English and travel, but I know I would want (or feel obligated) to stay and continue teaching, so I would probably never end up living outside the US.
Plus, I'm not absolutely convinced that Teach for America is the best solution to the problem of education inequality. I know that while living in poverty and coming from an uneducated or unstable family are highly influential in how well a child does in school, the quality of the teacher is a variable that is very important and effective, plus it's a factor that is much easier to control than every student's background or financial circumstances. I fully understand TFA's mission--that after their two-year commitment, corps members will go on to advocate for and change the educational system through their more prestigious jobs as lawyers or politicians or doctors or financial analysts (I say that last one with more than a hint of sarcasm). But I feel like there's something to be said for trying to find excellent teachers who are permanent, who will be there year after year, so that even though the student might not be in their class, they know they can come to that teacher if they need help in their new classes or if they just want to talk to someone they trust. Even if it's only for seeing the same faces year and year, that is probably enormously comforting if you're living a precariously balanced life where urban violence or financial problems or a whole array of circumstances are making your life outside school as unpredictable as possible.
Plus, what if I don't take this job then can't find another one? What if I go teach English in Korea (a nice, relaxing opportunity full of puppy cafes and a superficial culture that cares too much about head size but will automatically find me beautiful because I'm white) and it's awful? What if I don't even get that job? What if I go off and live in Mexico or Argentina for awhile then decide I'm ready for this emotionally, physically, and intellectually draining commitment and I re-apply but don't get in? Would I be willing to put in the time and money for a traditional Masters and/or credentialing program? Will I even want to teach anymore? Will I feel even more guilty about not at least trying to help close the achievement gap when I had the chance?
This probably sounds like a lot of self-involved, first-world-problems whining, and it is, but I honestly did not expect to make the cut. I was actually sort of hoping I wouldn't so I could avoid having to make this decision, although I don't want to sound pretentious and ungrateful. I am very proud of myself for being accepted and I recognize that I have worked really hard all through college, although this is something that is hard for me to accept because I always view myself as being not as overworked as a I could be (which in my mind translates into, "I am lazy and not that impressive", like I should be some sort of self-sacrificing martyr who has to abuse Ritalin just to stay awake but that is a whole can of worms I shouldn't get into right now). My roommates have told me that the fact that I am deliberating so much is a sign I shouldn't take it, and they're probably right. But I still feel like I have some sort of moral obligation, that I should be working to correct the injustices of the world and I have no right to go and waste my time and potential on enjoying myself.
I have to decide by next Monday, the 21st. If you read all of this you're a fucking boss. I'm sorry if I sound like a dick. All opinions and advice accepted. I'm paralyzed with fear and indecision.
Plus, I'm not absolutely convinced that Teach for America is the best solution to the problem of education inequality. I know that while living in poverty and coming from an uneducated or unstable family are highly influential in how well a child does in school, the quality of the teacher is a variable that is very important and effective, plus it's a factor that is much easier to control than every student's background or financial circumstances. I fully understand TFA's mission--that after their two-year commitment, corps members will go on to advocate for and change the educational system through their more prestigious jobs as lawyers or politicians or doctors or financial analysts (I say that last one with more than a hint of sarcasm). But I feel like there's something to be said for trying to find excellent teachers who are permanent, who will be there year after year, so that even though the student might not be in their class, they know they can come to that teacher if they need help in their new classes or if they just want to talk to someone they trust. Even if it's only for seeing the same faces year and year, that is probably enormously comforting if you're living a precariously balanced life where urban violence or financial problems or a whole array of circumstances are making your life outside school as unpredictable as possible.
Plus, what if I don't take this job then can't find another one? What if I go teach English in Korea (a nice, relaxing opportunity full of puppy cafes and a superficial culture that cares too much about head size but will automatically find me beautiful because I'm white) and it's awful? What if I don't even get that job? What if I go off and live in Mexico or Argentina for awhile then decide I'm ready for this emotionally, physically, and intellectually draining commitment and I re-apply but don't get in? Would I be willing to put in the time and money for a traditional Masters and/or credentialing program? Will I even want to teach anymore? Will I feel even more guilty about not at least trying to help close the achievement gap when I had the chance?
This probably sounds like a lot of self-involved, first-world-problems whining, and it is, but I honestly did not expect to make the cut. I was actually sort of hoping I wouldn't so I could avoid having to make this decision, although I don't want to sound pretentious and ungrateful. I am very proud of myself for being accepted and I recognize that I have worked really hard all through college, although this is something that is hard for me to accept because I always view myself as being not as overworked as a I could be (which in my mind translates into, "I am lazy and not that impressive", like I should be some sort of self-sacrificing martyr who has to abuse Ritalin just to stay awake but that is a whole can of worms I shouldn't get into right now). My roommates have told me that the fact that I am deliberating so much is a sign I shouldn't take it, and they're probably right. But I still feel like I have some sort of moral obligation, that I should be working to correct the injustices of the world and I have no right to go and waste my time and potential on enjoying myself.
I have to decide by next Monday, the 21st. If you read all of this you're a fucking boss. I'm sorry if I sound like a dick. All opinions and advice accepted. I'm paralyzed with fear and indecision.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
No necesito bendiciones por que siempre tengo buena suerte
I feel like the only relaxing moment I have during the day is when I'm taking a shower.
Wait, no. I also feel relaxed when I work at the East Bay Sanctuary Covenant, this place that helps immigrants petition for political asylum. I worked there last semester, and now that I have a good idea of how everything functions, when I go in I feel like I know what I'm doing. I'm always doing something, but I don't have to think about all the other shit I have to do and I feel good knowing that I'm helping people who need it. And I feel like I can take on whatever petty problems I have in my own life, because seriously, I have it pretty good.
But right now I have a linguistics midterm and a Spanish presentation tomorrow, plus a shit ton of Teach for America paperwork to fill out by tomorrow night, so I am having what is becoming a weekly Thursday night ritual of drinking coffee and freaking out and procrastinating into the wee hours of the morning.
Wait, no. I also feel relaxed when I work at the East Bay Sanctuary Covenant, this place that helps immigrants petition for political asylum. I worked there last semester, and now that I have a good idea of how everything functions, when I go in I feel like I know what I'm doing. I'm always doing something, but I don't have to think about all the other shit I have to do and I feel good knowing that I'm helping people who need it. And I feel like I can take on whatever petty problems I have in my own life, because seriously, I have it pretty good.
But right now I have a linguistics midterm and a Spanish presentation tomorrow, plus a shit ton of Teach for America paperwork to fill out by tomorrow night, so I am having what is becoming a weekly Thursday night ritual of drinking coffee and freaking out and procrastinating into the wee hours of the morning.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
He plays a mean bluegrass
This weekend was the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival in Golden Gate Park, this free music festival that is mostly folk and bluegrass bands you've never heard of, but also features really good indie musicians! On Friday, Hana and I saw M. Ward and Bright Eyes, and on Saturday, my friend Linda and brought some bread and cheese and wine and saw Broken Social Scene (although we just missed Hugh Laurie, which was disappointing).
It's all part of my resolved to do more fun things this year, because it's my last year here at Berkeley and carpe diem, etc, etc.
It's all part of my resolved to do more fun things this year, because it's my last year here at Berkeley and carpe diem, etc, etc.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Summer's out of reach
Yesterday it was so hot. I had to walk up a huge hill to an engineering building far, far away for my last class, and I couldn't do it without sitting down several times to take a break to stop sweating. I brought this new wool sweater I bought at Target last Saturday with me to school that morning because I knew I'd be on campus until at least 7 p.m., but when I walked out of the library with my compañeros after working on our Spanish 113 midterm, it turned out I brought it vain. It felt like a perfect summer night: warm air, clear sky, and no tangible humidity. It would've been perfect to lay on the grass and watch the stars or walk up to the Big C and look at the lights of the San Francisco Bay.
But I couldn't, because it's no longer summer, and I have shit to do.
I assumed the weather today would be more of the same. It wasn't. It was much chillier, and there I was on campus until 8 p.m., in a t-shirt and shorts, shivering slightly and trying not to let the cold get to me as I walked home as quickly as possible.
But I couldn't, because it's no longer summer, and I have shit to do.
I assumed the weather today would be more of the same. It wasn't. It was much chillier, and there I was on campus until 8 p.m., in a t-shirt and shorts, shivering slightly and trying not to let the cold get to me as I walked home as quickly as possible.
Monday, September 12, 2011
A la chingada
It's only week 4 (out of 15) of the semester and I'm already overwhelmed with reading. I feel like I do that a lot on this blog: drop off the face of the Internet, only to come back with a post three weeks later about how busy I am.
But it's true. I am busy.
And my downstairs neighbors have started this annoying thing where they play really loud techno music at really odd hours (9 a.m., 1 p.m., 10 p.m.) on weekdays (not even Fridays!) and I find it really infuriating. It makes my floor vibrate. I don't understand how this could possibly be necessary. Are they filming Jersey Shore downstairs and just forgot to tell us?
But it's true. I am busy.
And my downstairs neighbors have started this annoying thing where they play really loud techno music at really odd hours (9 a.m., 1 p.m., 10 p.m.) on weekdays (not even Fridays!) and I find it really infuriating. It makes my floor vibrate. I don't understand how this could possibly be necessary. Are they filming Jersey Shore downstairs and just forgot to tell us?
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