Songs I've had stuck in my head during standardized testing

 

My students were like, Why are you dancing?, because THERE IS MUSIC IN MY HEAD THAT'S WHY. Also state tests are super boring. To take and to proctor. Boooooo!

On the airbourne properties of time

Time flies, except when it doesn't.

Like when the weekend, spent at a math competition at a suburban high school connecting with my most enthusiastic math-learners, has suddenly arrived at noon on Sunday, which means the day is half over, which means Monday is almost here.

Or when time seems to freeze when you get called to the principal's office in the middle of teaching because one of your students straight up left school during the transition from lunch to recess and he (the principal) tells you that sorry, he has to write you up, nbd, but you should really be more vigilant from now on.* But that was Thursday, and it seems like a month ago.

We start state standardized testing on Tuesday. Where my babies are subjected to a series to test designed to let (mostly) white, middle-class students succeed while poor students fail. I can't believe it's almost May. Even though school weeks seem to drag on, especially during school hours when I try to tell myself to breathe and not look mad so I can just get through the lesson and thus the rest of the day, on the whole the year seems to have flown by, probably because I'm doing my best to block out the most painful parts. I remember the times that were especially difficult, but I don't really. It's more like I know they were there, but I can only see them out of the corner of my eye, never fully in focus, never fully realized.

TFA will no doubt tell me to reflect on this whole year, but how can you reflect on the things you barely remember anymore? (I am in way no using this deep, profound blog post to avoid lesson planning.)

*Don't worry, the kid was fine, he just walked home and his neighbor called the school to tell us they found him.

Everyone in the big machine tries to break your heart

Re: yesterday's post, it turns out someone has already explained my feelings more eloquently than I ever could:

It's that time and that place and that song, and you remember what it was like when you were in that time and place. And then you listen to that song and you know you're not in that place anymore and it makes you feel hollow.

Safety Not Guaranteed

You can't go home

I had a wonderful spring break in Oakland, but as much as I enjoyed it, there was a part of me that felt hollow. I wanted (wished? hoped?) it would be just like college, but it wasn't. It was awesome and so much fun, and I remembered why I had loved all my old friends so much, but no matter how hard I tried, there was that miniscule little detail that was not there and ruined the illusion. There was always that shadow of this real life I have to go back to looming over my head. I talked to my former boss at my tutoring job and she told me I should come back this summer and teach Summer Bridge again, which now I really, really, really want to do, and it's totally possible time-wise, plus it would give me a nice supplemental income. Or is it just another excuse to try and relive something that I can never recapture? Should I just let sleeping dogs lie and move on with my life?

I don't want to think of the Bay as a past life, because obviously I can easily move back there and build a real, adult-type life. But is that really what am I doing? Or am I futilely trying to grasp my romanticized memories of college?

Segway ride

Segways are the most ridiculous mode of transport but also SO MUCH FUN. Definitely the best way to travel 'round San Francisco. And to think I've been walking and taking the bus like a chump for so many years.

I've become a gym bunny

I went to the gym everyday this week except Tuesday, when I couldn't find parking.

I also bought $125 running shoes yesterday. Because I'd been using my old sneakers for 2+ years and also they weren't actually running shoes, but walking/cross-training shoes. My new shoes are blue and silver and purdyyyy. Also my ankles hurt less when I run.

I think I have become one of those annoying fitness-y people? Whatever though. It's not like I have anything else to do.

Rain, rain

It was rainy all day, but the nice kind of rainy, the kind that reminds me of Berkeley. Didn't really need an umbrella but everything was overcast and seemed brighter. It was 50˚ which seems positively warm now. Didn't even wear tights with my dress.

Watched 2 Days in New York, which was wonderful. An awesome follow-up to 2 Days in Paris. Julie Deply just gets it. And by it I'm not really sure what I mean but I know it's something she gets. I want to be cool and beautiful and awesome like her and also I kinda wish I could date Chris Rock? And also be French and live in New York with adorable children? You know, normal desires for my indecisive, hopelessly lost 22-year-old ass.

I've been talking to a bunch of people about living arrangements for next year, when I will most definitely not be living with my current roommates. One of my roommates actually asked me earlier this week, in a rare moment when she was talking to me, about where I was thinking of living. I was like Uhhhhhh not with you fucking assholes that's for sure but only in my head; out loud I just hemmed and hawed and was like Oh I'm gonna try living on my own I think I've never done that maybe it'll be a good experience. Ugh. As long as I get out of this pinche apartment with these pinche people, I'll be happy. Being alone, like actually alone, is better than feeling lonely amongst passive-agressively hostile roommates.