Sunday, March 31, 2013

You can't go home

I had a wonderful spring break in Oakland, but as much as I enjoyed it, there was a part of me that felt hollow. I wanted (wished? hoped?) it would be just like college, but it wasn't. It was awesome and so much fun, and I remembered why I had loved all my old friends so much, but no matter how hard I tried, there was that miniscule little detail that was not there and ruined the illusion. There was always that shadow of this real life I have to go back to looming over my head. I talked to my former boss at my tutoring job and she told me I should come back this summer and teach Summer Bridge again, which now I really, really, really want to do, and it's totally possible time-wise, plus it would give me a nice supplemental income. Or is it just another excuse to try and relive something that I can never recapture? Should I just let sleeping dogs lie and move on with my life?

I don't want to think of the Bay as a past life, because obviously I can easily move back there and build a real, adult-type life. But is that really what am I doing? Or am I futilely trying to grasp my romanticized memories of college?

3 comments:

  1. This is incredibly sad. I think this feeling is what scares me the most about change; it's so easy to rewrite the past, and missing it feels physically painful. And we can't go back, Slaughterhouse-Five quotes, Closing Time, etc. Growing up is terrifying. I sincerely hope you find an awesome place where you're happy soon, and I wish I had more life experience to offer. I feel lucky to be going into the college part of life, honestly.

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  2. Can I just say, I love the way you write.

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